Monday, July 25, 2005

What is happiness? The chasing of impossible dreams and living for those few moments where one can feel satisfied or pleasantly amused or have a general feeling that after that moment the whole world can collapse and you'll die happily. Well, I think I found it... Maybe the world should have collapsed on my head a lot earlier and saved me from the trouble and pain that I caused myself and others.

It is not easy finding happiness when you are in a constant hate with yourself. I do not have to like who I am or what I do to live. I figure that one lives not for oneself but for the others that, because of some weird disease, blindness or general lack of knowledge of who you are, happen to like you. You live for other people, not for yourself. Happiness is a dream that too often turns in to a nightmare for people who care for anything at all. It would be so great to be able to be careless, to be able to brush away all worries and just put them away and forget about them. That is, alas, not the way I work, not how I am.

Why do people have to hurt? Why is there pain involved in anything you do? Why can't I prevent from hurting other people while that is the only thing I don't want... If I can spare other people, maybe they will like me; maybe then I'll be accepted, maybe then, at least, I would have friends that care no matter what.

Maybe it is just not how I would want to be... if I wanted to be at all.